Deflated

Just came back from a gathering of sorts with some ex-classmates from Sydney, all of whom are also working in the same field/industry as me now in Singapore.

I feel terrible. Just awful. Somewhat deflated.

I don't know what it is. These are friends who were quite a big part of my life when we were all in a foreign land with just each other for companionship and laughter. Now that we've all settled back into the 'normal routine' in Singapore, it's as if we've all degenerated into acquaintances. & the topics just revolve around the office and office politics and job prospects and the like.

And even though I'm supposed to be 'in the circle', I haven't really had my whole foot in it, so I don't participate in the discussion in the same way as everyone else does. I've always thought that was okay as long as my job does not need me to be in direct contact with 'the circle'.. I don't shut my ears to it, but I don't participate actively in it either. Why bother to stick your whole foot in it if you can survive quite well without doing so? & yet, it suddenly struck me tonight that whether I want to or not, I'm actually already IN the circle~I've already been pushed rudely into it. One sorry truth: whichever field you're working in, like it or not, you're in it and you have to be 'in the know'. You can't afford to be ignorant and left out. After a while the entire industry becomes one big invisible corporate entity, and we're all trapped in it, bound by invisible protocols, policies and a whole baggage of individual histories. No one on the outside knows about it, everyone inside is playing the game.

It would be good if there were a group of people you trust and hang out with who are in the same industry as you. Brings to mind the comradeship you see amongst some bands who stick it out through thick and thin in the music industry. But here I feel like I'm standing alone. Maybe it's because no one from my school days are with me in this field. My close friends are all outside of the circle and that's fine because the distraction away from the circle is great and needed. But it's also lonely and scary when you're going about it alone in the circle. & it was perhaps especially sad tonight when I realized that the people whom I thought could form part of my support group in the circle, well, they just aren't going to.